Dear Indie
C from Seattle asks:
“Dear Indie,
I’m a young, hip and pretty successful Indie professional in the great city of Seattle. Heck, I’m good at what I do and have a lot of confidence in my ability to help my clients. But sometimes I run into a problem where clients don’t think I’m “nice” enough and that I come across as arrogant or mean when I offer them consulting advice.But really, Indie, if I come across as brusque, it’s only because I care and I truly want to see my clients succeed. And ethically, I can’t bring myself to pat someone on the head and tell them they did a good job when what they’re doing is actually going to hurt their business.
What do I do, Indie? Do I need to learn to “play nice” or should be myself in all my thorny glory and seek out clients who appreciate my particular straightforward approach?”
Oh, dear C. I can picture you now toeing that line between honesty and etiquette and not knowing which side to come down on. Personally, I always say you should be yourself. Unless being yourself means being really boorish and annoying and scaring away all your customers to the point that you have to live in a little box outside Safeway. Then you should try to be someone else.
Gosh, I’m snookered here. Let’s open this up to the Bizniks at large.
Bizniks, should C swallow his tongue (and his pride) or continue on in his own acerbic way?
Comment away!
And if you have a question for Indie, get in touch, won’t you? I won’t bite. I promise.
August 16th, 2006 at 7:22 pm
You can be direct and honest in a positive way and encourage your clients to see the ways in which they can improve. I call it “positive manipulation”, the skill of making everyone happy. I use it in many aspects of my life, from business and meetings, to conflicts with my husband or two year old daughter.
Interview your client and get a feel for how they best take crticism and what approach will be least offensive. Some people want the honest to God, unsweetened truth given to them directly. I’m that kind of person…I can’t stand those who try to package something for me. Others only want to hear nice things and need a positive spin, which conversely, I enjoy presenting.
For the worst case scenarios, always start out with praise. Focus on all the really great things they’ve done and what is *right* about their business. Be sure to comment on what an important step they’ve taken in getting a consultant, and how wise they are to recognize that some outside perspectives can really help a business to succeed!
Then focus on ways they can improve. Instead of telling them what *not* to do, tell them what might be better.
Example: “Studies have shown that simple, bold lettering in a sign is more likely to catch the eye of passerbys, thereby increasing impromptu visits from new customers. Let’s look at some fonts that we could use to make that great store name you came up with stand out more!” (Nice way of saying that Victorian Script is highly inappropriate, no matter how much you like it!)
Validate their own abilities while you are helping them to improve. They are working hard for their business, and are probably experts in their field; that needs to be recognized. Again, start out with a compliment.
Example: “You are obviously a very talented interior designer! Unfortunately, a great deal of your target market are not going to be able to afford the high end items you’ve selected to offer. It might be a good idea to increase the number of economical items that will make your services affordable to a broader customer base. I’m sure you’ll be able to find plenty of options that are still suitable enough with your great sense of style!” (Umm…no wonder you aren’t doing very well…no one can afford all this stuff!)
In the end, to do your job effectively, you have to be able to say what you need to say. However, use your imagination and creativity to make your clients get the message in a positive way.
PS Don’t forget to smile!
August 17th, 2006 at 12:59 am
Hey Indie,
I can sympathize with you; I’m a blunt straight-talker, too. I, too, am always walking the line between wanting to say it raw and seeing the need to sugarcoat it.
Here’s the thing, though. I’m curious about this feedback that you’re getting from customers. How is it coming to you? Are you directly asking for it, or is it something they feel compelled to tell you? Feedback is important either way, but if they’re going out of their way to offer criticism, then your style might be a little rougher than absolutely necessary.
I think the key thing to consider is how you’re feeling when you’re offering advice (especially in the circumstances of those who complained). How were you feeling in those moments? Is it possible you were frustrated that the client wasn’t listening? Did you have some judgements about the client and his/her decisions related to your advice? If your answer is yes to either of the last two questions, it’s certainly possible that those feelings subtly showed up in your comments as arrogance or mean spiritedness, despite your best intentions.
In my experience, feedback shows up for a reason and there is some sort of lesson to be obtained from this experience. That lesson could be that you realize the value of getting in touch with your own feelings towards your clients before those feelings escape unchecked. But the lesson could also be that you want to develop a better internal gauge for what clients you want to work with–it’s ok if your style doesn’t please everyone.
August 17th, 2006 at 4:43 am
It sounds like “C’s” passion for his work overshadows his passion for people. Clients are people…and people give you work
The good news is that C is aware of how some of his clients are feeling. That’s the beginning. You must accept it before you can manage it.
The second step is the desire to change. He needs to want it for himself before he’ll do the work.
If he gets to the point of wanting to change, then he needs to think of it in a way that makes it easy and even fun.
Chance are, he needs to smooth out some rough edges. Think before he blurts out what’s on the tip of his tongue. Reach into his heart to find the right words to say what he means in a way that the client can really appreciate.
It all boils down to changing the way he sees things…which will then change the way he responds. In other words…create new habits.
A couple of quick, great books to get going:
The Emotional Intelligence Quickbook – Bradberry & Greaves
Change The Way You See Everything – Cramer & Wasiak
And then of course, get someone to support him. A coach (I know a good one
, a friend, a mentor, or an accountability partner. Doining it alone is no fun. Having someone to give you feedback, share your successes, and kick you in the butt (when necessary) is way more effective.
August 17th, 2006 at 9:40 am
Dear C
I dont’ think it is necessarily at matter of swallowing your tongue vs speaking “the truth”. Yes, there are many ways to dance around an issue that are not helpful. But, sometimes the most direct line between two points is NOT a straight line.
Ever want to ruff up the ears of a cat you have not met before? You need to be quiet and receptive, give the cat the idea that it wants to be lavished with affection. Go at the kitty directly, and it’s immediately up a tree. Coaxing is more attractive than commanding.
I suspect the real skill is not so much in telling the truth, but telling the truth in a way that it can be received. Anyone can tell the truth, and anyone can do so with conviction, fierce intelligence, and a witty sharp tongue. But, delivering the truth, so that it is heard, and so that it actually can seep into the place that needs to be touched. To melt the barriers, or slide under the radar.
Ahhh, that is the work of a truly masterful practitioner!
Of course, you are a brilliant insightful genius, or you would not be doing what you are. Now, find a way for your clients to recognize the genius in themselves, then your work will not only become easier, but they will have found the truth for themselves. Which is where it belongs anyway.
August 17th, 2006 at 11:21 am
Oh Chris, uh, I mean “C”,
You’re in one of those fields where you are supposed to make magic happen, with your hands tied … good thing you are so deft.
In our office we work with so many clients who want miracles, done their way. If they hold fast to their opinions, it does limit what we can do. Of course, the subsequent “failures” are our fault …
To avoid this, we’ve become a little more brutal in our initial screenings, no matter how much we might want new clients. We are more specific about what we can reasonably do, and what they are going to have to give up for us to do our job. When it’s clear there’s not a good match-up between us, we “fire” a client before they even become clients. It’s difficult. It’s risky. But it’s such a waste of energy, such a frustration, when we have to battle our clients to get them to let us do what they’ve hired us to do.
August 17th, 2006 at 11:36 am
Hey guys,
Great advice for that C person who is definitely not me. A lot of it seems to come down to the old “This is really great, but I bet it can be even better” way of dealing with clients. Which always raises my hackles. I’m a Massachusetts boy–and I’m blunt even for a masshole–so having to deftly dodge the truth always rubs me wrong.
Then again, it’s also why I work for myself. I’m the only boss in the world who will have me.
August 17th, 2006 at 8:34 pm
Dang, I thought someone wrote a letter about me! I’ve had the same trouble as “C” (and I swear it’s not me!), and have been told to do what Chris Haddad mentioned, “This is really great, but I bet it can be even betterâ€?. But I’m a lot like Chris Haddad, blunt, to the point, and annoyed at having to stroke peoples poor feelings. I love people but I don’t think patronizing them is good. I certainly hate it when it’s done to me, it seems to be the “current politically correct” thing to do. Yuck!
August 17th, 2006 at 10:53 pm
It sounds to me like there’s an “either/or” perspective brewing here. Does the advice have to only come in the flavor of “it could be even better” sugarcoating or arrogance-flavored blunt truth?
I think I’m aspiring to find the middle ground, where I can deliver straight talk without the bitter judgements in the finish. Ok, I am not great with food metaphors.
Sure, some people will still read my confidence as arrogance if I don’t add all the nice cushioning to my advice. But if I can consistently work to prevent myself from building a pedastal to my own wisdom, intelligence, and general superiority to my clients, then I can trust that the occasional negative feedback is more about the other guy than me.
August 19th, 2006 at 9:26 pm
I want to strongly endorse Leila Anasazi’s comment:
“we’ve become a little more brutal in our initial screenings, no matter how much we might want new clients. We are more specific about what we can reasonably do, and what they are going to have to give up for us to do our job. When it’s clear there’s not a good match-up between us, we “fireâ€? a client before they even become clients. It’s difficult. It’s risky. But it’s such a waste of energy, such a frustration, when we have to battle our clients to get them to let us do what they’ve hired us to do.”
Put another way, you can go ahead and be your blunt self — and there are clients who will love you for it! But do yourself and others a favor (in terms of time and money and stress) and do what needs to be done early on to make sure you’re getting on board with a like-minded client.
August 21st, 2006 at 9:48 pm
IMHO — it’s not about me, when I consult. It’s about the client. They pay me to let it be about them. So if I’m delivering on the fees, like a real pro, my ego needs to recede greatly. Making communication work well takes precedence over my ascendence dramas.
If I’m encountering arrogance, real or imagined, I ask myself what gives that I’m not letting it be about the client. Arrogance is an ego trying to pump itself up. My ego, if I’m the arrogant one. It’s just not professional. It’s just not delivering on a trust placed in me.
Working an engagement is a stretching exercise, not a contest of strength.
We all hear differently. As pros who take money to deliver a service, don’t we owe the client our best effort, and second and third and continuing effort, to help them hear how to stop doing the wrong things, and do the right things?
If not, what are we doing with them, and is it healthy?
So, they get stuck sometimes. We all do. Humane ways exist to shake ‘em loose. In any relationship, if we agree to be friends first, we can remind ourselves of that when it gets rough. Mutual regard is a solid foundation to work from.
You may be thinking, not possible with nasty clients, or that idiot kind. Right. I turned free agent at least partly so I could leave off participating in idiocy at will.
If I have succeeded in ‘getting to we’ with the client, the notion of arrogance doesn’t arise. On either side. There is mutual positive regard that carries everything forward. If signs of non-regard arise, I’d do well to rivet my attention on that until it resolves. If it doesn’t resolve with a reasonable effort, the client is not for me, or I’m not for them. I can’t be for everyone, or I’d be as bland as tofu and not much good to anyone.
So this whole subject area may really be about staying in regard-space with clients and what to do when something knocks us out of it. Not actually about crassness or brusqueness. Or even arrogance.
Isn’t what we want to make money while enjoying the company we keep?
When I ‘get to we’ there is never any issue with smooth running in the engagement. So I’ve come to believe if things aren’t working smoothly, what I need to examine is the ‘we-factor.’ It might need mending.
Or maybe strife just a sign that my client is not one I should be working with. After all, some clients are just punishment looking for a place to happen. When I recognize I’m engaged with one of those, and stop taking their fees sooner rather than later, I’m happier in my work. Even better when I see ‘em coming and side-step. I’ve done my time in corpo-topia and have no need to recycle there – especially without the benefit of benefits.
For what it’s worth. . .
August 21st, 2006 at 10:10 pm
Hey Joseph,
Great response there. I think my point of frustration and fatigue comes up mostly when I see clients willfully diving into a direction that my experience has shown me is going to bite them in the ass. Then I have to sit there and wonder “Is it worth trying to get them to correct course if they aren’t going to appreciate it?”
Anway, I particularly loved how you worked “Getting to We” into your response, giving me a nice chance to plug the newsletter issue that phrase comes from: http://haddadink.com/blog/?p=81