War Through The Wall
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War Through The Wall
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It’s 6:15 in the morning and while I’d *like* to be sleeping, I’ve instead got a couple of massive purple bags bunched under my eyes (convenient since I still need to pack up some clothes) and a pounding, stabbing ache running through my head and down into my toes.
Why?
Because me and my soon-to-be ex-neighbor (heretofore referred to as MSTBEN) are engaged in a hearty “WAR THROUGH THE WALL.”
Now, I’ve never met my neighbor. I don’t know his name, his age, his race. I don’t know what he likes for dinner. I don’t even know what he looks like, what he sounds like or what kind of TV shows he uses to blast away the monotony.
The only things I *do* know about MSTBEN is that his bedroom and my bedroom share a wall, and that he *starts* to crawl his way out of bed and force his way to work (I imagine that he works at some sort of cacophonous canning factory and secretly pray for a debilitating if not particularly painful accident that will allow him to sleep late) around 5:45 every morning.
Starts.
The beeping often worms its way into my dreams. There I’ll be, out cold, having another one of those nightmares about waking up the day of my calculus final and realizing I haven’t been to class all semester when, suddenly, air raid sirens blast their way across the “campus” of my mind, and my heart rate *rockets* north as I wait for the bombs to drop.
Now, if the alarm just went off briefly and MSTBEN then turned it off and got up, we wouldn’t have a problem. Not everyone’s lucky enough to have the slack schedule and alarm-free existence of a freelance word mercenary and strategic marketing wonk.
But apparently MSTBEN is a *very* deep sleeper.
Either that or he’s deaf.
Because while his alarm *starts* it’s incessant, maddening *beeping* at 5:45 AM, it usually doesn’t stop for somewhere around 1.5 hours.
*Beep* *beep* *beep* it goes, second after second, moment after moment as I lay awake, grind my teeth and imagine canning factory mishaps.
In my coming-on two years living in this apartment, I’ve tested a couple of different approaches to dealing with the problem:
Solution 1: *Ignore it.*
For a good chunk of time (especially in the winter when both our windows were closed) I just sort of ignored the problem. It was annoying, sure, but not so bad that I would actually *do* something about it. I sleep like a very sleepy log. I dealt with it no problem.
*Solution 2: *Mad, impotent rage.*
Eventually the charm of Solution 1 wore off. Like water in the Grand Canyon, the torrent of *beeps* wore away my good will (and my ability to sleep), leaving my lying in bed for hours on end with an angry storm brewing in my brain. I’ve got a pretty active imagination (oh, what will MSTBEN do when he gets to the canning factory and sees that it’s been taken over by aliens? Aliens who *beep*?) but ultimately solution 2 was less than satisfying.
Solution 3: *Action!*
Eventually the problem got so bad that I decided I had to *do* something about it. About two weeks ago, after building up my rageful gumption after suffering through the *beep* attack for a solid 45 minutes, I threw on some pants, stumbled out into the hall way and started using MSTBEN’s door as a canvas for an impromptu demonstration of the martial arts.
Eventually my *pounding* trumped MSTBEN’s *beeping.* He didn’t answer the door, but he did wake up and turn off the infernal machine.
Since then, MSTBEN and I have settled into something of a hateful, war-like rhythm. . . a “War Through The Wall” if you will.
Every morning at 5:45 his alarm goes off, *dragging* me from my slumber all angry and confused. I wait a few minutes, thinking maybe *this* will be the day he stops it himself. Then I shift around on my bed and *kick* the wall several times (I tried punching it once or twice, but it made my hand hurt and I need my fingers to make a living). Usually by the 8th or 9th kick, MSTBEN gets the point and hits *snooze.*
10 minutes later the alarm goes off again and we repeat the whole process until around 7:15 when, it seems, he finally gets up.
Solution 4: *Leave*
This is a new one that I’m going to try tomorrow. It involves spending *way* too much money to get into the Seattle real estate market and ceding the ground of my apartment to MSTBEN and whatever poor schlub ends up moving in next to him. I don’t feel like I’ve won the “War Through The Wall” but imagine once I settle into the new place and get to sleep straight through to the blessed lands of 8AM, I won’t care.
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Alright, Haddad. But what the heck does this have to do with marketing, copywriting or running a small business?
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Just this.
The problem that MSTBEN and I really have *isn’t* that he has to get up at a stupidly early hour. It’s not even that he’s, apparently, deaf (deaf or prone to sleeping as deeply as Dracula).
It’s that we’ve got this big wall between us (and that he refuses to answer his door.)
So instead of he and I being able to chat like adults, I get all angry, plot his demise at the canning factory (I’ve got this great fantasy about ex KGB sleeper agents versed in cold-war torture techniques) and, ultimately, take my big Tonka truck and go home.
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Which Is A Lot Like What I See Happen When Businesses And Their Customers Don’t Talk
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You see, my 4 “solutions” up above are a lot like the stages customers go through when they aren’t happy with your product, happy with your service or happy with your image out in the world.
* They ignore it.
* They get annoyed.
* A *select few* of them make a small effort to let you know they’re mad (the rest skip right to stage 4)
* And then they leave, and you find yourself wondering why your profits tanked and why your best customers just don’t come around no more.
So, my advice to you?
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Tear Down The Wall
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Set up a blog so you can get your side of the story out there, make it *easy* for your customers to voice complaints and realize that by the time you start hearing a *POUND POUND POUNDING* on your door a bunch of your customers are probably already gone, gone, gone.
Chris Haddad is a Freelance Word Mercenary and Strategic Marketing Consultant in Seattle, WA. Which means he sells stuff with words. You can learn more about Chris at http://www.haddadink.com
June 25th, 2007 at 4:15 am
[...] If you want an example of this, performed by a master, visit the Biznik blog. In particular, visit this post by my friend and copywriter, Chris Haddad. [...]
June 25th, 2007 at 7:42 pm
Great story, I think most everyone can relate. I had a neighbor with an adjoining bedroom wall who did everything but sleep at night just about 80 decibels louder than a normal human being. I began to wonder if my renters insurance policy would cover the damage to the wall from my feet. I kept my shoes by my bed to throw at the wall as needed because it seemed to take less energy than kicking. She too never answered the door so nice notes were left…without any change which lead to not so nice notes. In the end I moved out as well. And yes, I would agree, mediums of communication with your neighbor and your clients is crucial.
Jerry
http://www.leads4insurance.com